I can't help falling in love with... the process

I’m not special. I don’t have something you don’t.

I just fell in love with the process. I’m not sure when it happened.

I just realized it today.

I’m not really disciplined. I sometimes still binge eat. Sometimes for the sheer joy that food can bring, sometimes I just eat my feelings. Not very often anymore, but that girl is still in there. I can’t always convince her but I try to remind her that it’ll just make her feel like shit, sometimes she listens and resists and sometimes she thanks me for the reminder and stays in control.

So I try to listen to my body more. I try to be a witness to how my body responds to the decisions I make for it. I’m just trying to do more of what makes my body feel good. Why the hell wouldn’t I?

I like the science of it. In true nerdy yoga girl fashion, I think about my cells taking deep breaths and smiling and doing a happy dance while I spin to the perfect playlist on the elliptical. I think about roughing up my muscles by lifting heavy stuff and when I lay down at night I think about my body repairing and rebuilding and recovering. I think about how strong I am and how flexible I’ve become and how really balanced I have grown to be. I witness myself walking on the path, boldly, knowing that I’m doing the best thing that I can do for myself.

I like watching the progress that I’m making, even though it sometimes feels slow, it is continuous progress in some way, and that seems like a good thing. I’ve become better at appreciating my body and what it does for me, how it shows up for me every day, it just keeps doing what I ask it to do, without much complaint. A little soreness here and there, but part of the process is doing things that help me recover, like eating healthy, lots of protein, plenty of water. Stretching and yoga. Foam rolling and massage. All of the things that make my body feel good, I just keep trying to do. And less and less of what doesn’t make it feel good.

I’m becoming less judgmental of my body in this falling in love with myself era, less F’s to give.

I ran into a guy at the gym today who I always have a nice chat with. The poor guy has to hear my philosophical ramblings in the sauna. We talked about this today, falling in love with the process. He agreed. You focus less on the outcome, the scale, the size of the jeans, the growth of the glutes and you turn your attention more to how good you feel getting ready to go the gym and on the way to the gym and at the gym and after the gym. Your gratitude practice includes a daily nod to the mobility your body has, on and off the mat. You savor how much energy you have. You amaze yourself with feats of strength like pushing an overfilled wheelbarrow down the driveway or farmer carrying in each hand forty pound bags of salt. You realize how close your head is to the mat in your wide leg forward fold. You let yourself ride the vibe.

All of this got me thinking, I am falling in love with the process of watching how my mind works, too. I’m studying my patterns and traits and I’m learning from them. I’m exploring why I’ve made the decisions I have and I’m creating some space for grace for those decisions. I’m really working hard to be in control of my emotions and not allowing them to govern my reactions and responses. Sometimes I’m calm, cool and collected, most days really, but I still have days where I can’t just keep my mouth shut. Sometimes, in certain situations, having moved out of my people pleasing phase, I just cannot reign in my need to fire back, especially when someone is being less than respectful. I still occasionally allow my trigger to be tripped. I gotta tell ya though, I don’t know that I want a trigger that can’t be tripped.

Overall I'm trying to do the same for my mind as I do for my body, more of what makes it feel good, less of what trips our trigger.

Sometimes it’s how I was raised, sometimes it’s the environment that I find myself in and sometimes it’s because of the way the stars and planets were aligned the moment I was born. Sometimes it’s because I’m not allowing people to treat me certain ways anymore. Loving kindness is not a door mat.

Sometimes I react and respond the way that I do because I’m still learning to be a witness of myself, to be the observer more often. It takes practice, so I give myself a break. I’m getting better at it.

I’m creating new neural pathways. I’m learning new coping mechanisms. I’m practicing techniques to regulate my nervous system. I’m growing my glutes. I’m strengthening my core. I’m repairing my heart. I'm just falling in love with the process of this falling in love with myself era.